Friend of God

I'm not perfect and it bugs me. I know I'm not perfect, but I expect myself to notice when I'm screwing up, and when I don't notice till later when it gets pointed out or I realize, I feel like an idiot for not realizing earlier.
It's amazing how you can know you're not perfect in your head, but when you act like the imperfect being you are you feel like an idiot and feel sorry for yourself.
So I guess my problem is, what is the right way to feel when you screw up. I know you appologize and figure out how to not do it again, but what are you supposed to do. If you focus on it and feel sorry for yourself, you just make things worse. But you can't feel perfectly fine about it, or then you wouldn't feel any consequences for your actions.
I miss when I was a kid and when you got in trouble, you took your punishment and then forgot about it. Now I get told I've done something wrong and then punish myself for being dumb and not realizing at the time I was being dumb.
I guess it comes down to God's forgiven me, so what am I supposed to do now? Don't continue sinning. I guess that's it. Next time, be aware of that little voice in my head and actually do the right thing. And don't obsess.

I had a good weekend. I hung out with friends Friday night, last night and most of today. I did something weird and actually cleaned a bit this afternoon. Shhh! Don't tell anyone.
A couple of times this weekend, I actually found myself truly happy and almost hyper. It's been a while since that happened. I really enjoyed it. I think joy's on it's way back. I'm starting to be at peace with where I'm at. I would really like to have a full time job and I would really love to get the job I applied for this week. I would also love to be in a relationship that is leading towards marriage.
My new/old friend Dan thinks that you shouldn't date but court. Courting is something has marriage as a goal and puts God in the middle of a relationship. I really love the idea of courting.
So anyways, even though there are places I would like my life to be going, I'm learning to be ok with where I'm at and where God wants me to be.

I applied for this job yesterday and I would really like to get it. It seems perfect for me. If you wouldn't mind praying that if it is the job God wants me to get it that he would open the doors and I would get it.
It sounds like I have all the qualifications they're looking for. So hopefully they think so too.

This is sort of how I've been feeling.
If job searching is daunting, finding a career is just about the scariest thing ever. We begin asking ourselves the obvious: What do I like to do? I like to help people. Okay that's good, now what kind of job helps people? Oh, every job? Well how about my passions? What am I passionate about? I like God a lot. Will my passion be applied at X company? If I am interested in a career that happens to pay really well, does that make me greedy? Maybe I should just move to another country and help people and minister and be poor.

I often feel overwhelmed by these and many other kinds of questions regarding choosing "the right job." And there is a very good explanation for why I, and many other recent college grads, stir over such provoking questions. We are afraid. Afraid of making the wrong decision, of being disappointed and discovering our new found career is not what we hoped it would be.

My sister and her husband got approved for a town house yesterday. I'm happy for her, she really does needs her own place for her family. It must be hard having to move back with your parents after you're married. I am going to miss having them here though. I'm going to miss having Allison here, oh that girl's smile, she is so adorable. I love her so much. When she sees me she gets this big grin and it is so much fun to make her laugh. I'm really going to miss their dog Baby too. Even though she may bark too much, she really is a sweety. She loves to cuddle. Like a couple of minutes ago Baby heard I was up because I have music on and she came down and said hi to me, got me to give her a little scratch and then went back upstairs. Sometimes she'll come downstairs and come up on my bed and have a nap.
So even though I know I'll still see them, I'll just miss the everyday. Hopefully having lived here for almost a year they'll want to come visit fairly often. Even though I am saying I'll miss them, I am definitely happy for them.

So I know I haven't updated in two weeks. Last week I was really busy, my uncle died and we had all kinds of family staying at our house. One night we had 22 of us sleeping here. It was fun. Kinda sad with the funeral and all, but really fun to spend time with my family.
I've had an emotionally stressful couple of weeks. It's so weird, even though mentally I feel fine, underneath it all my emotions are strung tight. Usually my brain is going nuts, but it's not. I feel fine but I have this inner sadness.
So I think the reason I haven't updated is because I don't have the words to really describe how I'm feeling, because I don't really know how I'm feeling.
When I take the time to listen I know God is there though, so eventually things should be ok. In the meantime is what to do with this sadness.

I have a lot of cousins. We counted today and I have 33 first cousins. I 'met' three of them today. The crazy thing is the youngest one I met today is almost 45. It was really cool to see them. It was sad because I was visiting because my uncle is dying, but nice because I got to meet my cousins. My uncle is in his seventies and I actually haven't seen him in a few years. I know he is a highly devoted Christian though, so I know where he is going. So anyways what was really cool was that even though I haven't seen these people in over 15 years they still felt like family and I had fun with them.

What is the measure of a life well lived
If all I can offer seems too small to give
This is a song for the weaker, the poorer
And so-called failures

Little is much when God's in it
And no one can fathom the plans He holds
Little is much when God's in it
He changes the world with the seeds we sow
Little is much, little is much

Who feels tired and under-qualified
Who feels deserted, and hung out to dry
This is a song for the broken, the beat-up
And so-called losers

Consider a Kingdom in the smallest seed
Consider that giants fall to stones and slings
Consider a child in a manger
Consider the story isn't over
What can be done with what you still have

I had a really hard week dealing with something. I was really upset about something that is going to happen. I don't know if I've ever felt so much sorrow. I've been learning to speak what God wants me to speak, and then leave things in his hands. Trying to understand it all I came across this verse:

Romans 8:17
And since we are his children, we will share his treasures - for everything God gives to his Son, Christ, is ours, too. Butif we are to share in his glory, we must also share his suffering.

This made me think about the sorrow I'm feeling is just a taste of how God feels about the situation.

As I was writing this blog I noticed that the verse before was:

Romans 8:16
For His Holy Spirit speaks to us deep in our hearts and tells us that we are God's children.

I just experienced that today. Really cool, really really cool.

Have you ever stopped, closed your eyes, took a deep breath, said hi to God, and listened? What's the first thought that you have?
For me, when I do that, I recognize God's presence. How peaceful. :)
You should give it a try. You'll be amazed with what God says.

I wonder how many times God blesses us with something and we complain because we think it is something that is wrecking our lives, but really it is something that God put into our life to make it better?

I was listening to Matt's Downhere cd on the way back from the digny run last night. By the way the digny run was so much fun. I loved it and only got burnt a bit on my legs where I didn't pay enough attention when putting on my sun screen. And I did get a bit pink on my arms and face, even with my spf 45. And people think spf 45 is too high.
So anyways, from what I paid attention to of the words on the cd, they were really good. Bringing you through a process of faith. I would love to sit down and go through it and really listen to the whole cd.

We went out to Caladonia to see fireworks tonight. They were 30 min late because they were making sure it was safe with the weather, but it wasn't a bad wait. The fireworks were awesome! I definitely have to go back again next year. They were some of the best fireworks I've ever seen.
I'm going on a digny run tomorrow, that should be fun. I need to find my hat. I wonder where I put it. :)

I was so worried that I would be so bored this weekend and that I would have no one to hang out with and now I have plans for both tonight and all day tomorrow. God is so awesome. Why do I let myself get worked up over silly things?